It is an odd period of time. When I am busy with something, I forget that Attila wanted to move out, and everything seems as it was, for a brief period of time. Then suddenly it doesn’t seem the same at all, something feels wrong, and I feel awful. Back and forth and back and forth. Of course, when I think about it, rather than feel, I know that things have altered, but that it might be for the better in the long-term, and of course it might not be for the better in the long-term, but so far I am feeling hopeful about a positive outcome.
Today I am scrubbing down the kitchen floor, getting it ready for the polish. I found a product, GEM, from a janitorial supply place, in the town where Attila works. He is picking up a jug of it after work today. I am scrubbing with Pine Sol, and the house has a distinct institutional smell, not unpleasant, not homey or cozy.
I am also writing my feelings in a private journal space, not online, where I can write anything that comes into my head. This helps me to express the hurt and anger, which are intense, but not fully realized right now.
I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
When I divorced my first husband I was left alone with two children to raise. I was a very busy woman, as I was working on my PhD at the time. My kids and career kept me engaged most of the time, with not a lot of time for processing my feelings. It was a time of great optimism as well though, I was leaving a toxic relationship, and realistically expected to have a very good career. I was much younger and had much more of my life to look forward to, and my youthful health to buoy me up with confidence that I could become self-sufficient. I remember feeling the loss though, the feeling of being completely alone in the world with all that responsibility, it was a deep and gnawing feeling that I soldiered through.
This situation with Attila has been very different, it has been much, much more difficult. The relationship is not toxic. I was losing my best friend, my home, all the things I thought would be familiar as I grew older. My world was literally exploding out from under me. It would have been easier if Attila had died, rather than him deciding not to spend his life with me. I would have had the continued memory of a loving friend if he had died, you don’t get that when your spouse decides to move out and leave you.
So there is a new fear in my life, one that I feel deeply. I can only hope that it fades with time. In the meantime I must prevent that fear from heading underground, keep it in sight, check on it from time to time, it could fester otherwise.
As for Attila and I, we interact as always most of the time, and then that falls away and the terrible, terrible mistake sits in the room with us and won’t be ignored. Sometimes it is me that it sits with first, sometimes it is Attila. Regardless, when it takes a seat it has our attention. I am hoping that too will fade away with time.
I have also been feeling blessed. My loved ones and friends have gathered around me in a circle of caring that touches me to the core of my being. It sustained me through the first two terrible days, and the warmth continues as a cocoon of safety. It is a wonderful feeling. Thank you, thank you, all. Love is no small thing.
Worldly Distractions
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Date: 1:00 PM EST Wednesday 29 November 2017
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Quote
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Mignon McLaughlin
Fingers crossed.
Sending love Maggie during this time of transition. Praying things will turn out for the best and you will both be happy and fulfilled together.
By the way when I suggested therapy to my husband he said no. No way. He was going why did we need therapy? Well, I thought differently. I wanted therapy so we could better understand what had happened and remain friends. I wasn’t going to stop him or even try. I have had several close relationships with men (not marriages) and though they did not last we are all still friends and it is a good feeling. So, my idea about therapy was not to keep us together but to keep us as friends.
It’s as if you had a wakeup call but have the option of falling back asleep. I doubt you will, and that’s a good thing. Not pleasant to cope with the situation, but it did happen and now I imagine you feel as if a sword is hanging over your head. I would. On the other hand, don’t we all kinda go through our lives never thinking of the unpleasant and unlikely possibilities? Not you — and thanks to your sharing what happened, not me either. Everything could change tomorrow, and for any number of unforeseen reasons. This is something I want to remember every day, even as I remain confident and hopeful that all will be well. Life – a frikken crapshoot! -Kate
Nora, I think therapy would be a good idea. I am looking into it, money is an issue, we have some coverage, but it is very specific and limited, determined to make it come together though. I cannot imagine not being friends with Attila, he has been my best friend for so very long. Keeping friendship was definitely discussed, both of us wanting to maintain good relations… I hope our friendship remains in the form of our marriage, that is my preference, and he now says it is his.
It was a wake up call Kate! One thing I realized is that I have no safety net in the way of housing or income… something I will have to work on. A plan will help me remain relatively calm while being now quite aware of what could happen.
I read a lot, and stories are full of huge life events, huge to the people who experience them, and I always read them from a comfortable distance. It isn’t the same as living it though, up close and personal this kind of event blows big time.
Going through your own terrible, terrible mistake (well, HIS mistake – your experience), has brought back my own experiences in the love and lack thereof – over the years. I am so NOT stronger now than I was in earlier years, and I don’t know how I would/will cope without my own best friend – Paul. I always assume I will be left here alone even though I am a physical wreck and he keeps up maintenance on his own body… but your recent trauma rang so true to me and so deep, but I’m just glad that it’s not the worst that’s happened, and that there is hope and optimism living there in Mist Cottage. xox
Bex, I am so glad that he came to his senses before the whole thing started to roll downhill. One thing we immediately agreed upon was that we would work things out between us, no lawyers. Lawyers tell you what your rights are, and in doing that they emphasize what is in the head, when what is in the heart, in our case, is a better guide to working things through. I hate lawyers, at least the ones I’ve come into contact with relating to family matters, they suck all the funds out of a family, all in the names of rights. Of course, when animosity is high between people to begin with, lawyers are the only way to go. There is cause or optimism here at Mist Cottage Bex, difficult emotional encounters are going to be required of us, but optimism is definitely warranted! xoxoxo
Maggie, I’m reading two separate issues here. One is that you became aware of the fact that you need Plan B and don’t have it in place at this point. We *all* need Plan B because terrible accidents can happen and leave us without a partner’s support. Life insurance doesn’t help when the issue is disability.
What is between you and Attila (and/or between Attila and his own head) is another matter entirely.
I hope you will be able to keep the Plan B issues from acting as a magnifier of the interpersonal issues.
As for the sword of Damocles, I got one of those when I packed my husband off to rehab 13+ years ago. What I’ve figured out is that the only difference between me and lots of other people is that I have some idea what my sword looks like.
Take care–
Wendy, that damn Sword of Damocles, they say ignorance is bliss, but you know, if I can create a reasonable plan b, the awareness might be worth it. Not that plan b’s alway work out, but it would be something to hang on to
That is a good reminder, that the practical matters are not the matters of the heart. I hope to independently create a practical plan b for myself. As for what is between Attila and myself, I think counselling is best idea, and perhaps that will give us some cues as to where to go from there. We are both interested in working things out.
Brave soul, to write so openly of many confusing feelings. That’s not easy to do. Feel welcome to visit if and when that’s possible. Lots of love.
Steve Paul, writing is what I do these days, my fingers move over the keyboard more fluently than my voice can speak. Thank you for the invitation, I will explore the possibility! love ya, Maggie
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
I remember not too long ago we had a discussion – I believe on FB – about that very subject. I said something like marriages have downs that you have to come back from, you disagreed as it had never been your experience – or at least not to the point where you’d noticed it. I’m sorry that you’re now at a point where this is something you’ll be working at. I sincerely hope you find this to be a long term positive that will find your marriage even stronger and your relationship even happier than previously.
Thank you for your kind wishes Teri.
Maggie I think many good things can come out of this bad experience. Putting together a Plan B will help you to remain calm and prepared and strong in the event this happens again. (Not that it will, but just in case.) Aside from the wonderful friends you have here, if you have a support group of family and friends in your real life, it gives you strength and alternatives.
I beat the drum for therapy because it’s amazing the insights a detached professional can provide. When I went, I was a skeptic, but came out a believer. I hope that Attila will go, but if not, I’d encourage you to go on your own.
I have a cousin who lived in BC for several decades with a guy she loved. They never married. They had a small business, a home, and children. He went off to work on the pipeline, met a woman, and said he was leaving her. At first, he said she could keep the house. My cousin was upset and after a while told her kids and us that she just wanted it to be over and he could have whatever he wanted. Then he decided she couldn’t have the house. Thankfully, the shock was over, she got angry, and she did get a lawyer. They weren’t married but she had rights she didn’t know about. So in the end the lawyer helped her to get a fair share of sale of the house and monthly payments from the jerk. This is very different from your situation. But I share it only to point out that in some cases lawyers can help when good intentions fall apart.
Hugs and positive thoughts headed your way…
Tentatively good news to hear things might work out again for you and Attila. It’s a start, anyway. It will take some time for you to regain your equilibrium and feel secure again after such a big shock. All good thoughts and wishes for things to turn out for the best.
Sandy, you are right about Plan B, I wish I’d thought of it before!
I agree completely about counselling, it has much to commend it. Attila and I will be checking it out, both of us.
I agree that lawyers can be crucial when good intentions fall apart, and they usually do. A good friend of mine warned me about this when my first marriage ended, and that divorce turned into a lawyers fantasy, that sucked dry most of the funds I had to support the kids.
Hugs to you and thank you for this valuable feedback!
Thank you Sandra! We have made a start, and I look forward to a time when things balance out, if we are so blessed. Your good thoughts and wishes are wonderful to receive!