Sunshine and Shadow

The sunshine.

The storm has passed and the sun is shining. The wind chill this morning was -25C. We decided that after having stayed inside during the storm yesterday, a walk would do us good. Out we went, crunching down the plowed but still snow covered street. When we had walked some distance, we came to a sidewalk. It was not plowed, and the snow was over a foot deep. Turning back towards home, we came back to our little street, and walked up and down on the road. The wind was bitterly cold, walking into it was almost painful. Turning to walk with the wind at our backs was sweet relief.

Attila is making progress with his wall in the basement. The studs have all been installed, secured to floor joists above, and to the cement flood below. The plywood wall is almost complete now. When the wall is complete, Attila will begin to build the new canning jar shelves along it. It is a good winter project, and as February has insisted, it is still very much winter.

The shadow.

The sun is shining, but my thoughts are focused elsewhere. What I am thinking about his morning is one of my shadows. We all have them, thoughts and feelings that are unwanted. There is usually a “trigger” involved, an incident or reminder of some kind that brings the unwanted thoughts to surface. I have a Doctor’s appointment coming up, and am making a list of things to discuss with them. There may be a need to remove a troublesome mole, not a big deal, but for one issue, my anaphylaxis.

I have been trying to remember the type of anaesthetic the Doctor used the last time they removed a skin lesion. Many of the commonly used anaesthetics contain preservatives, so they cannot be used for me. I couldn’t remember the type of anaesthetic the nurse finally found that didn’t contain a preservative, and should have written that down. The product they used did not contain an ingredients that minimized bleeding, so I bled a LOT. That doesn’t matter to me for a small procedure. I didn’t record the name of the anaesthetic, now I need to research it, then call my GP’s office and relay what anaesthetic I need if a procedure is to be performed. It occurs to me also that I should research anaesthetics for emergency surgeries, or any surgeries really, so that this information is the ready.

I have decided, after my last hospital emergency visit, where I decided not to take a potentially life saving medication, because the non-medicinal ingredients were unknown, which means that if it contained my allergen I would die, that I need to take this matter of non-medicinal ingredients into my own hands. I need to have a ready list of acceptable medications with me at all times, and access to the government data base on medication ingredients. Someday, I just might not survive without that life saving medication that has unknown non-medicinal ingredients in it. I lived through the last incident, but there are no guarantees for the future.

I have a few health shadows, many people do. I value my life, and have to fight to keep it, as systemic protections for the majority do not protect me in the same way.

As I age these health issues more insistently place themselves right in front of me. I think about my future, and try to make choices now that will help me cope in the days to come. Life in a care home is not possible for me, unless I was totally on my game, and my directions were respected by every staff member. I don’t fancy my chances. I have no faith that my allergy issues with preservatives will fit into the budgets or kitchen setups of a care home. One human error would be all that it would take to end my life. Every meal, every medication, would be a Russian Roulette experience. We saw during the pandemic, that diligence of care is not necessarily a feature in care homes. I think MAID might be a better end of life choice for me, if I am unable to take care of myself. At least I would feel I had some dignity and agency, rather than live in fear and feel like a victim of neglect, bureaucratic process, and entrepreneurial profit decisions. I think about these things, as I must if I am to strategise for my survival, optimize my decisions.

I may just live the rest of my days comfortably fending for myself, that is the the plan, and the dream, and the hope. I think that is desirable for all of us.

Back to the sunshine.

I can hear Attila out in the driveway. His shovel scrapes along as he removes the layers of snow, and underneath that, the layers of ice. Attila likes to get outside and do things, even in the winter now. It is a beautiful sunny day out there, very cold, very windy. Attila is enjoying being out in the sun. He loves activity, and does not enjoy sitting.

He worked for decades out of doors, managing two large farms, then managing a building centre in the snow belt of Ontario. The winter months began to feel cruel and unending for him, in particular his hands suffered. He came to dislike the cold and the snow. Now that he has been retired for a year, his feelings about the cold and the snow are mellowing. He can come indoors when he begins to feel cold, he has choices, he can keep himself comfortable.

Lately I have been enjoying molletes for my dinners. Attila cooked a large pot of beans in the Instant Pot, and I used some of them to make myself refried Beans.

I make my own refried beans because I add no salt, and season mine differently than Attila season’s his. I like to eat refried beans in flour tortilla roll ups, with chopped sweet onions, hot sauce, and grated cheese. But I have yet to succeed in making acceptable flour tortillas, the commercial ones have too much sodium. So I had given up on eating refried beans.

So I thought, what about a bean sandwich. Attila turned up his nose at that suggestion, but it intrigued me, so I toured the internet looking for ideas. That is when I ran across recipes for Mexican bean sandwiches, or molletes. I love them. I use my homemade hamburger buns, split and toasted, my own homemade refried beans, grated lactose free cheese, and chopped sweet onion. They are great with a bit of sour cream on the side. Last night I added some cowboy candy with the chopped onions, and wow, that added a lot of flavour. I cook them in the air fryer, 350F for 4 minutes.

Guess what is on the menu for tonight’s dinner… molletes of course.

Worldly

Weather

-14°C
Date: 7:00 AM EST Monday 17 February 2025
Condition: Light Snow and Drifting Snow
Pressure: 100.7 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -13.7°C
Dew point: -19.1°C
Humidity: 64%
Wind: W 28 gusts 38 km/h
Wind Chill: -24
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“Get the facts, or the facts will get you. And when you get them, get them right, or they will get you wrong.”
Dr. Thomas Fuller
1654 – 1734